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Stick to this 10-point plan and you’ll be laughing all the way to a recording deal
WATCHING MISHA B floundering in the bottom two way too often, has been frustrating. Week after week, the judges have been scratching their heads, unable to figure out why such a big talent isn’t connecting with the voting public.
No doubt branding her a bully was a major blow to her fan base, but the secret to her lack of success is a little closer to home.
We’ve watched enough X Factor to know that if you’re a black contestant, surviving the competition is an assault course of over-zealous stylists, make-up artists and bad song choices.
In order to win, a strict set of rules must be observed. But the trump card that ensures success is best expressed by US comedian Paul Mooney in the Chris Rock documentary Good Hair: “If your hair is relaxed, white people are relaxed. If your hair is nappy, white people ain’t happy”.
Never forget – African and African Caribbean people are a minority in this country, so in order to win, you’ve got to appeal to the masses. This means less keeping it real and more keeping it bland - like chicken korma. Acts can’t be too spicy or have too much flavour – Mr and Mrs Average Joe from Sandbatch just won’t be able to digest it.
As I watched Misha B throw down her bedazzled Gaga-style ensembles (fit for an “urban queen”, no doubt) and pick up a simple white dress and a wavy hairpiece, I knew she had finally become hip to the game. Damage limitation is underway. The fightback has begun.
The sob story gave her a good start (the British public is a sucker for an underdog), but the only way to truly win voters in droves, was to ditch the rhinoceros-horned afro and swap it for a sleek and chic bob.
BEFORE AND AFTER: Former X Factor Contestant Rachel Adedeji went from au naturale to the beloved bob
The right-wing press has already noticed the metaphorphosis. Underneath a recent picture of Miss Misha B, an approving caption in one publication reads: “Misha B went for a less flamboyant hairstyle than usual”. See? Working already.
Ridiculous, I hear you say, but the evidence does not lie. The first black contestant to win X Factor, Alexandra Burke, was never seen without at least 18inches of Remy Goddess. She got to sing with Beyoncé.
On the other hand, Rachel Adedeji, a true victim of Grace Jones’ syndrome (bold lipsticks, hoods, and other ridiculous ensembles and freaky hairstyles better left to the 1980s) fled in a pool of tears. Even after she swapped the short back and sides for a wig, it was too late.
So if you’re thinking about putting yourself up to be publicly ridiculed, make sure you read these.
1. DON'T DO A GAMU
If you aren’t British, make sure you have your stay – the authorities are just waiting to catch you out – and as X Factor always includes international travel, you don’t want any nasty surprises. It will end in tears.
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2. BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR CRIMINAL RECORD
Exhibit A: Sian Phillips who lost her golden ticket to Kelly Rowland’s house after it emerged she had served time for affray. Do not give the right-wing press the satisfaction.
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3. IF SIMON COWELL IS JUDGING, IMPRESS HIM
He’s a big fan of black talent. Try to get him to wink at you. A wink from Simon is a one-way ticket to the final.
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4. WHATEVER HAPPENS, DON'T LET LOUIS WALSH BE YOUR MENTOR
You will not make it into his final four – unless you’re young, hot and in a boy band. Case in point: Alexandra Burke when she auditioned the first time around.
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5. DON'T BE OVER-CONFIDENT
You might be the best singer and the best dancer in the place, but you’ve got to be the last to know it. When you hear the words, “I don’t think you even know how good you are”, you automatically receive 500 votes. Case in point: meek and mild Rebecca Ferguson who, by the way, never performed without attaching her clip-on ponytail.
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6. NEVER, EVER, STICK UP FOR YOURSELF OR ANSWER BACK
You will be labelled a diva or arrogant. Or worse, a rude boy. Mud sticks and you will lose votes. Or like Danyl Johnson, the judges will hammer home this point until you become a shadow of the person you were.
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7. DON'T PLAY THE RACE CARD. DERRY MENSAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU!
You complained about Kitty and the next week The Risk, one of the hot favourites to win, was out. The British public doesn’t like a whiner. Chin up, old boy.
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8. LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT AND DO SOME DANCING
I never thought Marcus (NB: nice relaxed hair) would make it past the first week, but he jiggled his way into the finals with his uber-shiny relaxed quiff. Asking “Can I dance for you, sah? Can I shine your shoes, sah?” is entirely optional.
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9. DON'T MAKE ANY GANGSTER-STYLE GESTURES
Don’t even do the bogle. Don’t wear a bandana. You are projecting The Wrong Image as Rachel Hylton learned. You can do it, however, if your name is Cher Lloyd or Cheryl Cole.
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10. THE GOLDEN RULE: STYLING IS EVERYTHING
It can make you or break you. Anything resembling afro hair must be disguised in a weave and, preferably, poker straight. JLS may not have come first, but they’re one of the most successful acts to come out of the show. They weren’t the best singers, but Aston’s hair? RELAXED. Say no more.